Some of you might recall the TV show Dragnet or caught the reruns on late night TV. Joe Friday had the classic interview line of “just the facts.” The popular catch phrase captures the essence of one of the challenges of our culture. In order to make wise and well informed decisions, one must base them partly on facts. AND each one of us is human. Whether we like it or not, we are emotional beings and we have to interact with other emotional humans. Therein lies the crux of modern day leadership: finding the balance between “the facts” and the emotions each one of us humans encounters.
No matter how experienced you think you are as a leader, one of the biggest challenges you will face is dealing with difficult emotions–anger, frustration, powerlessness, fear, sorrow, grief–both in yourself, and in the people around you. Adding additional complexity, these emotions come and go, rise and fall, unpredictably. As much as you think it might be easier to check your personal baggage at the office door, you simply can’t. And you shouldn’t.
If you’ve seen any of the two Inside Out movies, you know that emotions can be chaotic and messy. Some emotions can be louder than others. One of my favorite moments from Riley’s dad is when Anger hits the “put my foot down” button. How many of us as parents have had that moment, when we finally “put our foot down.” Emotions can also be a useful thermometer of what’s going on in your head, and the alarm bells, tears, and joy that you feel give you a lot of information that can help inform decisions you need to make.
The real question, however, is how do you deal with the difficult emotions in your work as a leader? For instance, you’re angry at a key member of the team who repeatedly fails to meet your expectations, or fearful that the retirement of an important board member will deprive you of a key ally, or frustrated that you can’t get the truth about what’s really going wrong in the IT department. These and many other types of issues can drive any leader to the proverbial ledge.
The first thing I advise people to do is to slow things down. If you feel your blood boiling, stop, step back, and try to understand what you’re feeling. This is harder than most people think, because not everyone has words for what they’re experiencing. One proxy I used, while developing my own language for feelings at work, was to track my heartrate: if my heart rate was above 100 bpm, that was a good indicator to me that something deeper was going on that required a closer look.
Once you’ve identified the emotion, the next step is not to ignore it, diminish it, or minimize it. All of those reactions are very common in our culture. Instead, one needs to notice it. Name it. But don’t merge yourself with your emotions. For example DO say: “Feelings of anger are here.” DON’T say: “I am angry.” Think about the character “Anxiety” from Inside Out 2–the more you ignore the emotion, the louder it gets.
The empowering step in this process is actually to recognize that you are NOT your emotions. Another saving grace is to also recognize that all emotions are fleeting. You may be feeling many strong things right now, and this will inevitably change.
Then, particularly, in the case of a difficult emotion, decide what you are going to do about it. The key word there is “decide,” because the goal is to make a thoughtful, grounded decision about what is true to you and what you need. Because while your emotions need to be addressed, there are also standards and rules for which we are all, thankfully, accountable. You may want to throw your laptop across the room to express your anger and frustration, but that might be a career-ending HR violation. Even so, when you have this perspective, it will be easier to identify what you actually need, and viable paths will emerge.
Being able to see these paths is empowering. Because at this point you understand that your emotions are your own, and you are responsible for them. Moreover, you get to choose what to accept as true for you, AND how to respond.
But are you really free to choose? How much actual agency does a leader have in a world of HR, budget limitations, office politics, legal, board dynamics, and staff shortages? The answer is, actually, a lot. And the reason is tied back to our basic humanity, more specifically our ability to hold more than one truth–and sometimes contradictory truths–at one time. A human being can be angry and be a compassionate leader at the same time, and can embrace this duality. Harkening back to Inside Out 1, one of the core memories for Riley is a moment laced with both joy AND sorrow.
When our emotions run wild, we tend to draw conclusions rapidly. We close doors, we shut down. When we take a moment to identify our emotions and make thoughtful decisions, we are able to hold open possibilities and perhaps even find a different future. We’re able to have difficult, honest conversations, the kind that bring about positive change. And we’re able to embrace contradictions and truly innovate.
As a leader, your humanity is one of your greatest strengths, and there are going to be times when you’re angry, frustrated, or sad. This is a feature, not a bug. Properly managed, those emotions can help you be the grounded present leader you want to be.
